Funny Wedding Vows

If you’re writing your own vows, you probably feel a little pressured to get it right. While taking a break from creating top-notch, Pulitzer-prize content, enjoy these funny wedding vows.

Writing your own vows has become popular, but they aren’t always elegant expressions of true love and endless devotion “until death do us part”. Nowadays, couples are personalizing their vows in some amusing ways.

Below are some “groom”, “bride”, and even “celebrity” wedding vows that are intended to be amusing. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, or embarrassed. Some surely won applause, and others probably got eye-rolled. But, all of them made the wedding memorable.

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GROOM VOWS

I Michael, take you, Jessica to be my lawfully wedded (wife) and chief tennis doubles partner, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for when we win and the very, very rare occasion when we lose. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you, to return your serves and do my best not to foot fault. This I vow to you.

This must be why the term “love” is used in tennis!

I Chris, take you Debbie, to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.

Hopefully he didn’t end his vows with the Jets chant..J-E-T-S!!!!

I, Matthew, take you, Emily, to be my awful wedded wife, to have and to scold, from this day fast forwarded for better but not worse, for richer, and poorer, forget sickness only in health, to loathe and to cherish, till suspicious death do we part.

Sounds like this new bride better sleep with one eye open!

I, Tyler, promise to love you, Sarah, even though you have an obsession with Britney Spears and other girly pop music. I promise I will learn to love all of your favorite pop stars like Britney Spears and Madonna, and will not criticize your choice in music from hear on out.

Do you think the incorrect use of “hear” rather than “here” was intended to be a pun related to music?

I, Phillip, promise to count every penny that comes into our grasp, and account for it using two-column ledgers and everything your accountant has done previously. I promise to love you, Amelia, unconditionally, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, even when you feel the need to accessorize with $400 shoes.

Nothing says true love quite like, “I will keep you out of an audit”.

I promise to love you even when you refuse to let me watch the football, to cherish you even when you blow one week’s salary on yet another handbag, and to understand you even when you are at mad at me because of something that happened in a dream.

Consider the quote, “You never know. Maybe when we’re dreaming…we’re more lucid than when we are awake.” – Katherine Angela Yeboah”

With this ring I thee wed…to have, to hold, to love, Through turkey season, deer and duck, and even squirrel and dove. I will be to you a rock of strength on which you can depend, And will bless you with my presence when the hunting seasons end. Turkey beards and antlers I will keep in their due place, And will only leave on hunting trips with a smile upon my face. I will vow no excess bragging when my catch is rather small, And my thoughts will always be of you though the woods may often call… And so it is with deep devotion I say those words, ” I DO” For no greater loves in my life you’ll find… …than my hunting, dear, and YOU!!!!

Just because the woods call, doesn’t mean you have to answer! Get voicemail; you’re a newlywed.

I, Mark, do take you, April, as my bride even though you and I know you ain’t right. I reckon as long as you bring me my Bud Light things will be fine. I promise I will try to eat your cooking as long as you don’t make me look at it first,

Mark may be wearing April’s cooking before too long.

I, Daniel, take you, Meaghan, to be my chosen class, my constant tank, my faithful protector and my guardian from this day forward. In the presence of GMs, our guildies and pugs, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful raid leader in poisons and through over-heals, in good times and in bad, and in boss kills as well as mob wipes. I promise to run back unconditionally, to give you flasks for your runs, to buff and heal you, to mark targets for you and taunt off when you pull, and to lay my hand of protection on you for as long as we both are alive.

A World of Warcraft reference in your wedding vows is a dead geek give-away.

I, Andrew, choose you, Hannah to be my partner in life. In front of our friends and family gathered here I promise to love and cherish you throughout good times and bad times. I promise to try to remember to put down the toilet seat and to replace the toilet roll when it finishes. I promise to remember this day with love and roses and to look after you if you get sick. I will love you always.

It would have been even more lovely if he had added something about not urinating on the floor.

I promise to love you as much as the Chicago Cubs and not hold your black and white striped dress against you. From this day forward, I will listen to all of your complaints about the mall if you say them during the off season, and promise to retire my baseball cap and face paint for public outings. I will love you in sickness and in health, from this day forward, until death parts us, or you become a White Sox fan.

Complaints about the mall? What woman complains about the mall? Just confused.

I promise to love and cherish you as much as I do our dog, Spot. From this day forward, I will lint roll the chairs whenever your parents visit. I will love you in sickness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet visits. I promise to cuddle with you as much as I do Spot and pick you up treats whenever he gets some, too.

A man can love his pet, but should never compare his new wife to one. Geez!

I promise to stay with you for the rest of our live and make sure that it turns out to be a very long life. I promise to love you with all of my heart but not more than my beers. I promise to honor you with all of my actions. I will treasure you like actual treasure, but don’t worry I won’t burry you.I promise to keep you warm, very warm when it’s cold outside. I will stand in the way of the sun when it gets hot. No matter how many books you get, or how many times we move, I promise to always carry them all every time.

Thanks for practicing your vows buddy. But hey, awkward is something guests will remember.

BRIDE VOWS

From this day forward, I promise to declaw my cat Fluffy so that you are not scratched. I will always make sure the litter box is clean and will keep Fluffy out of Spot’s house. I will love you for richer or poorer, so long as Fluffy gets the gourmet cat food.

Sounds like Spot never learned to share.

I promise to love you as much as I love my credit card and not hold your poor fashion sense against you. I will only show you my new clothes during commercial breaks and promise to keep you in the latest Cub fashions. From this day forward, I will make sure your lucky shirt is washed for every game day, and will have plenty of potato chips on hand. I will love you for richer or poorer, as long as our credit limit stays high.

Money, money, money. “Daddy, I want an oompa-loompa…I want as oompa-loompa NOW!”

I, Kayla, choose you, Jacob as my life partner and in front of friends and family I promise to love and cherish you through every obstacle that may be put in our path. I promise to learn how to change a tire and how to refill the screenwash when it runs out. I will comfort you when your team loses and drink beer with you when they win.I will remember this day and will love you always.13

Bride 101: Never, never, never let a man know that you can change a tire….or oil….or take out the trash.

“I, Jennifer, promise to love you, John, even though you have a love for ‘80s hair band music. I promise I will try to love Motley Crue as much as you do, and will even dress up in ‘80s clothing and see a live concert with you- and I won’t even complain the entire time. You’ll be my personal rock star and I will love every moment of it.”

I will pretend to love your mullet and MC Hammer pants even though you look like a flaming idiot.

I, Lauren, promise to love you, Phillip, forever and always from this day forward. I promise to learn how to cook your favorite meals and never criticize your mother. I promise to keep the house relatively clean, except on Lost nights. I will give you full reign of the remote control otherwise. For this is my promise to my one true love and partner for life.

You gotta wonder if she feels lost now that Lost ended? PUN INTENDED!

I, party of the first part, do thee wed, party of the second part, to have and to hold under this contract witnessed before ye parties of the third part. Heretowith, I proclaim myself without further contractual obligations until such time as this marriage contract becomes null and void in a court of law.

Two words – “nuptial agreement”.

I, April, take you, Mark, to be my husband even though you and I both know you ain’t got a lick of sense, but I reckon I’ll survive as long as you remember to bring me my Dr. Peppers. I promise to love you no matter how many of your friends get drunk, pass out in the yard, the truck, wherever, but I’ll try to make sure they get home…

Clearly his drunk friends don’t have a lick of sense either. And, neither does April.

I, Morgan, take you, Daniel to be my lawfully wedded husband and my time travel partner when Marty McFly shows up with in Delorean, which he will. For richer, for poorer, for better or worse, when you go crazy over your project car, and when you put up with my love for Gears Of War. When we argue over the most ridiculous things like what episode of Mythbusters to watch or when I can’t accept defeat during videogames games even though you so cheat, for when we stay awesome and the extremely rare occasion when we forget to be awesome, I promise to always love you because you’re the Dom to my Maria.

It’s a pretty good guess this household has multiple television sets.

I, Maria, promise to love you, Rocky, forever and always from this day forward. I promise I will learn how to cook especially your favorite meals. I will never criticize your mother and will make sure that you don’t hang out with your boozy friends. I will try to keep the house relatively clean, except for the times when we will be busy making love. I will give you full supremacy of the remote control but that too on weekends only. For this is my promise to my one true love and partner for life.

If you’re a guy, you’re thinking “Now, that’s a keeper!”

The “Best Ever Wedding Vow Award” goes to a teacher that allowed his 3rd grade students to write his vows. It just doesn’t get any more honest, or cuter, than this one!

Mr. Meiers promises to always sit by Ms. Racheal on roller coasters.
Ms. Racheal promises never to change because Mr. Meiers likes her just the way she is.
Mr. Meiers promises to give Ms. Racheal 8 billion kisses every day.
Mr. Meiers promises to be more like Johnny Depp.

The “Thank You For Your Service Military Wedding Vow Award” goes to this soldier and his wife. God bless the soldiers and their families!

Wilt thou Amy, take this soldier as thy wedded husband, knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well almost) Army wife, running the household as you see fit, and being nice to the commander’s wife? Furthermore, you understand that your life with your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, that you may have to explain to your children, not once, but twice, and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, and that children do have daddy’s, and that the picture of the man on the refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks them in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This soldier is their daddy, who loves them very, very much. Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite cookies and pictures of yourself and the kids, so he can remember what you look like? And last but not least, put on the outside of your door his ‘Welcome home’ sign when he’s due to arrive?

CELEBRITY VOWS

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

For their wedding vows, they promised to split the difference on the thermostat.

John Caprulo

For his vows to wife Jamie Marie, John Caprulo wrote:

“Jamie Marie, from this day forward I promise to be worth it. Worth the time. Worth the trip. Worth the energy. Worth the embarrassment. Worth your love. I promise that you will always count. You will always come first, and of course, if you don’t for whatever reason, I will buy you some shoes.

From the moment you entered my world, you have filled it with life, color, and energy like never before…like kool-aid in a mud puddle…or a cupcake in a salad…or a rose garden in a junk yard. You are my rose, Jamie Marie, and I promise to devote my life to being your dirt.”

Photo Source: sophantheam.wordpress.com

How to Make Your Own Vows Funny

If you’re a humorous person, you can make your own vows funny by adding in a few personal promises. Make sure it’s something most friends and family can identify with. For instance, if your groom is a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan, you can say that you’ll promise to love him in sickness and in health and even when the Steelers are losing.

Photo Source: amydalephoto.com

Other than adding in a few personal promises, you can be self-deprecating (which is really funny) just like John Caprulo. Sometimes, being a little funny is extremely romantic!

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